It has now been a year since Michael's death.

A year ago, I said to myself there is no way I would ever step foot in Texas...

Well somehow, not only did I step foot in Texas, but I ended up being here on his anniversary! And I am here for one night only... what are the chances!

I feel sadness that he is gone, and anger at how fucked up Texas is, and the court system.

But I am happy he is in a better place.

But that doesn't mean I don't miss him, or let a day go by where he isn't thought of.

He was innocent. But if his death sparks positive changes in the criminal system, then he wouldn't of died in vain.

karma

I hurt someone really close to me a while ago. Someone who loved me and was willing to do anything to make me happy. He was perfect and never did anything wrong. He didn't deserve what I did to him, and he never will.

I abused the responsibility I had over someone's emotions and will forever regret that. It's not nice to be treated appallingly when you have not deserved it.

I suppose right now karma is doing the same thing back to me. I did nothing wrong and have been treated like shit for it. You try to be nice and good and don't make the same mistakes but karma will still bite you. I know how it feels to be hurt when you didn't warrant it.

worth.

I keep having to be reminded about how much I am worth. Not that I don't think I am not worth much. But every now and then I forget. I know I am priceless and as such deserve the best, and shouldn't settle for anything less.

A very wise relative reminded me that you shouldn't make excuses for people. If someone believes and knows you are worth the effort then they will make it....

I get given tonnes of advice all the time, it's no surprise that I am not very good at making decisions about things.

I am lucky to be sourrounded by a great bunch of people who clearly care about me, my happines and overall general wellbeing. I am grateful that they make time to go out of their way to help me, and I am forever indebted to them.

I am grateful to be sourrounded by a lot of love and great friendships.

21

So I turned 21.

Not that it bothers me that much, or was I that excited or anything..

But it did get me thinking.

I've never known my mother, so I can't help but wonder if she makes an attempt to remember me, or if she remembered it was my birthday.

I've never met my three sisters. I don't know anything about them at all. Not their names or ages or anything. So I wonder how many times over I am an aunt, and how many nieces or nephews I have. I wonder too, if my sisters remember me, and they remembered my birthday. I wonder sometimes whether any of my nieces or nephews are aware of my existance, and if so, what do they know?

Michael

It's a weird thing death.

It's more than just the absense of someone. It's like the absense of a routine.

I never met Michael, but that doesn't mean he was less than a friend.

He was a good friend, he was someone I could confide in, and he would usually tell me how much of a fool I am being.

It's a weird feeling to know your friend is dead. To mourn for them, to feel sad and cry sometimes. But at the same time, it's someone you have never met. But they were still a friend.

It's weird because the only connection that shows they are gone, is the absense of letters.

It's a shit feeling to know that the hand or typist that wrote all the letters you've kept is no longer there. It's surreal.

I've got friends in prison, and lord knows that my thoughts are constantly on them, wondering how they are doing, whether they are feeling ok. I've not heard from Paul in a while, and he usually writes back stupidly quick. I worry that something has happened to him, but I have no way of finding out. How can you worry about someone you've never met?? It sounds and feels bizarre, but either way I have a bond with him. Granted, Polunsky is probably on lockdown, it generally seems to always be, so I hope that's the reason.

I walk around with a permanent reminder of Michael on my wrist. He's someone who should never be forgotten. I don't wear it as a way for me to avoid forgetting him, I wear it with pride. The pride I have for an awesome but late friend.

I get sad not just for him, but for the whole fucked up system.

It's such a weird thought death. I was lying in bed the other day, and the idea of death and the idea of one day me being dead one day fully hit me. It was such an odd but sad feeling to comprehend. One day I will die. I've said these words countless times to myself, but they've only actually propagated through once. Right now, as I write this, I can't feel what I felt that day, cos it was such a fleeting moment.

For someone like Michael, watching that day approach, just some day on anyone else's calender, fuck knows frankly. Fuck knows.

Waking up, KNOWING there is no tomorrow. Fuck knows.

Y'know what.
Today I ran home from the station.
I felt free.
Free for the first time in a long time.
My legs were going like crazy,
I had the wind in my face
and I was free.
I was free from everything.
I was running
and running
and everything seemed ok.
Because I was free.

Purity.

When we come into this world we are pure. We are as pure as the sun on the horizon, we are so innocent, uninfiltrated by anything. It's soo beautiful.

A baby is so innocent, nothing has yet to damage it. Thoughts have yet to mould us. We merely exist. How beautiful is that?

How beautiful would it be to go back to a time, when we had no worries, no responsibilities, were completely carefree, and devoid of all struggles mental and physical?

How beautiful would that be? A clean, unspoilt canvas.