Posts
For a long time I thought that my attitude towards violence and death was blazae. Why? Well, it's not secret that I know some people who have done bad things, snuffed out lives, hurt others, been killed etc. I really thought I was immune to it all. The way I would talk about a number of my friends, it was as if, what they have done was nothing serious.
Violence, and killing I viewed as an everyday thing. Every time a friend held a letter that had been written by a friend who had killed someone, they would always say, I'm holding something that someone has touched and with their own hands wrote, the same hands that killed someone. My attitude would be, yeah so what...
Today, I saw a guy who had tried to kill himself. His body landed directly opposite me. It wasn't the prettiest of sites, and I am glad it was dark. The guy didn't die, and he was in a bad way, and I dunno, something happened within me. I was staring at this guy, and I was sooo concerned, there was nothing I could do and all I could do was stare. I felt so helpless, and all my thoughts were for his safety. I prayed for him. I prayed that he would be ok, not maybe physically, but I prayed that he would in a while, find help he needs and be in a good place mentally and emotionally.
Before people came to his aide, I was just staring at his body on the tracks thinking, how easy it is to snuff out a life. The guy wasn't dead, but I just thought all humans are miracles, I am soo in awe when I hear just how complex and fascinating the human body is, and how each life is precious and sacred and how wonderful each person is. I was thinking how could someone want to do that to themselves. I'm not saying they were being selfish or anything, but I just can't begin to understand what someone must be going through to want to do that to themselves.
Of all the emotions I could of felt, I felt vulnerable. I realised within myself, this hard exterior I'd built to protect myself from violence wasn't actually real. A guy I know is on death row, and I said to myself, one day this guy won't be here, so I shall not allow myself to get caught up and to allow myself to grieve when he does go. I felt open and vulnerable, I'd seen someone try to kill themself, it was real. I couldn't ignore just how powerful death could be, and I wanted to cry.
I also felt vulnerable because I realised just how fragile life is.. how fragile my life is, and at the end of the day, death isn't a mental or emotional thing, it's a physical thing. Death doesn't care how clever you are, or how witty you are, or how good a player you are. No, death is just about permanently stopping everything physical.
Thinking about it now, I've no idea whether that guy died later or not, afterall he would of lost a lot of blood. If he did, I'd feel bad. I was staring at these people helping him, thinking for the love of god, put something on him, he'll go into shock otherwise (it had been snowing and was realllly cold), and they weren't doing anything to stem the blood. I just remained on the train...
When you're young, you think oh look, I'm invincible, I won't die for years and years and years, I don't need to think about death. I dunno, just seeing it, someone wanting it that badly, and trying it... welll...
Sunday, 21 February 2010
Sunday, 3 January 2010
Dear Diana,
I remember when we first got you as a kitten. I was horrified that my mother kept swinging your cage as we took you home. Clearly mother was walking as she usually did forgetting the delicate creature she was holding. You were very scared. So scared that you hid behind the piano for a few days, finally venturing out when you realised that the piano probably didn't taste that great. I finally got to meet you. Father didn't think we had a kitten as he couldn't see you. Now he gets to see you all the time.
Choosing you over your sister was very hard. In the pet shop, you and your sister were both sitting next to each other on a ledge by the cashdesk. I didn't know how to pick, I ended up picking the one looking most sad. I think in the end that was the best decision I made.
You once annoyed everyone in the house. You peed on my coat didn't you. You were only a kitten and you were still very new and small, and had yet to be trained. Now you know better don't you! Mother was very angry, and I don't think I ever wore that coat again. Never mind eh!
You were so cute and everyone remarked on how beautiful you were. You loved attention, always rubbing up against someone's leg! You still do... and you know who will always give you attention!
You were always so affectionate and welcoming. Whenever we came home, you would all of a sudden appear and walk the last few paces to the front door with us, stick your tail up at us to say hello, greet us and then scamper back off to wherever you were playing. Before the new house there was no cat flap, so you would position yourself at the window nearest the door and wait patiently, only meowing to be let in when it was raining...and who can blame ya!
Ha, you loved playing with belts. I use to take one of father's belts hanging up and shake it around so it looked all snake like, and you would try and grab it between your paws... I found it to be soo cute when you stood on your hind legs reaching up. Watching you play was always a joy. You loved to roll around on your back, exposing your stomach...but dare anyone come near... a few scratches remind me of that! When you got into your hunting pose, I knew that a mouse somewhere should start saying it's prayers. Luckily for me, I've never had to see one of the many corpse's you brought back. However, your hunting skills did come into play when we had a mouse in the house. Being you, you teased the poor mouse, catching it, letting it go, then catching it, and then killing it. You also liked to go back to your instincts everytime we slying slipped you some meat from the table. You'd drag it out of your bowl and take it to a far corner of the room and eat it. We always use to find trails....
I remember when you got really ill in July 2008. I'd been away for a few days and I came back to find you limping across the kitchen. One paw raised and you in clear agony. I got very angry and demanded to know why you hadn't been taken to the vets sooner. I got some crummy response, but you got taken the next day. Man how I wanted to cry when I saw that pitiful sight. You'd been stabbed in the foot, and it had got all infected. When they brought you back from the vets you were all woozy and shaky with a buster collar. You really didn't like that, and kept licking the see-through collar thinking it was your skin. I can't imagine your tongue liked that! As I'd be away over the coming days the parents put you in my room. Now I know I don't have a bed anymore, but when I did it was over a metre high. Given that you couldn't walk cos your foot had all been bandaged up, and your little tray was on the floor, you peed all over my bed and it wasn't noticed until I got back and climbed into my bed. Thanks to you, I had a sleeping bag for 6 months, when mother finally caved and got me a new duvet. I didn't mind too much... I was glad you were better...
Seeing you now is agony. I can see you are in soo much pain, as your organs slowly go into failiure. But as ever, you are patient and kind and considerate of others and so sleep continuously without complaining. I can't imagine or understand what it must be like for you, to not want to go out to play, or eat, or drink, or do anything. I guess sleep is the only thing which gives you comfort. I feel foolish for not demanding the parents take you to the vets sooner as I thought it might of been this for a while. I should of protested more at the parents only ever giving you dry food. I guess your change in behaviour should of alerted me to it. You hate leaving the kitchen, you have your spot and dare anyone take it. But then you didn't want to be in the kitchen and would go all over the house, going through all the rooms and all the nooks and cranny's. I figured, your trying to do something, I don't know what, but I'll try and convince the parents to let you wander if you want, even though they hated the fact your shedding ridiculous amounts of fur. I suppose the tufts that are continously falling out and have been for months should of told us something was wrong. I tried looking stuff up and apparently cats when they are going to die, look for somewhere quiet, so I figured that was what you were doing and if that's what you wanted, then you were going to have it.... But now you are too ill to even do that. I know I can't make you comfortable and healthy but I pray that they can fix you. You've been around too long to go and I love you too much to let you go.
You are such a beautiful cat Diana, and you show everyone affection, even Bruce although he contstantly teases you and tries to force you out of the house. For 13 years, you are still the size of a kitten, and if any cat dared hurt you, I would get very angry at them! Probably the reason why none of them sit on our shed anymore! It's your shed. I do remember you once found your way in there, and mother was surprised to see you sitting at the window as you couldn't get out. Silly thing! You always had a habit of going to random places every now and then. Sometimes I'd open my door, step out, and there you were curled up into a ball on the floor. You only ever seemed to leave the kitchen willingly once a month!...
I remember when we first got you as a kitten. I was horrified that my mother kept swinging your cage as we took you home. Clearly mother was walking as she usually did forgetting the delicate creature she was holding. You were very scared. So scared that you hid behind the piano for a few days, finally venturing out when you realised that the piano probably didn't taste that great. I finally got to meet you. Father didn't think we had a kitten as he couldn't see you. Now he gets to see you all the time.
Choosing you over your sister was very hard. In the pet shop, you and your sister were both sitting next to each other on a ledge by the cashdesk. I didn't know how to pick, I ended up picking the one looking most sad. I think in the end that was the best decision I made.
You once annoyed everyone in the house. You peed on my coat didn't you. You were only a kitten and you were still very new and small, and had yet to be trained. Now you know better don't you! Mother was very angry, and I don't think I ever wore that coat again. Never mind eh!
You were so cute and everyone remarked on how beautiful you were. You loved attention, always rubbing up against someone's leg! You still do... and you know who will always give you attention!
You were always so affectionate and welcoming. Whenever we came home, you would all of a sudden appear and walk the last few paces to the front door with us, stick your tail up at us to say hello, greet us and then scamper back off to wherever you were playing. Before the new house there was no cat flap, so you would position yourself at the window nearest the door and wait patiently, only meowing to be let in when it was raining...and who can blame ya!
Ha, you loved playing with belts. I use to take one of father's belts hanging up and shake it around so it looked all snake like, and you would try and grab it between your paws... I found it to be soo cute when you stood on your hind legs reaching up. Watching you play was always a joy. You loved to roll around on your back, exposing your stomach...but dare anyone come near... a few scratches remind me of that! When you got into your hunting pose, I knew that a mouse somewhere should start saying it's prayers. Luckily for me, I've never had to see one of the many corpse's you brought back. However, your hunting skills did come into play when we had a mouse in the house. Being you, you teased the poor mouse, catching it, letting it go, then catching it, and then killing it. You also liked to go back to your instincts everytime we slying slipped you some meat from the table. You'd drag it out of your bowl and take it to a far corner of the room and eat it. We always use to find trails....
I remember when you got really ill in July 2008. I'd been away for a few days and I came back to find you limping across the kitchen. One paw raised and you in clear agony. I got very angry and demanded to know why you hadn't been taken to the vets sooner. I got some crummy response, but you got taken the next day. Man how I wanted to cry when I saw that pitiful sight. You'd been stabbed in the foot, and it had got all infected. When they brought you back from the vets you were all woozy and shaky with a buster collar. You really didn't like that, and kept licking the see-through collar thinking it was your skin. I can't imagine your tongue liked that! As I'd be away over the coming days the parents put you in my room. Now I know I don't have a bed anymore, but when I did it was over a metre high. Given that you couldn't walk cos your foot had all been bandaged up, and your little tray was on the floor, you peed all over my bed and it wasn't noticed until I got back and climbed into my bed. Thanks to you, I had a sleeping bag for 6 months, when mother finally caved and got me a new duvet. I didn't mind too much... I was glad you were better...
Seeing you now is agony. I can see you are in soo much pain, as your organs slowly go into failiure. But as ever, you are patient and kind and considerate of others and so sleep continuously without complaining. I can't imagine or understand what it must be like for you, to not want to go out to play, or eat, or drink, or do anything. I guess sleep is the only thing which gives you comfort. I feel foolish for not demanding the parents take you to the vets sooner as I thought it might of been this for a while. I should of protested more at the parents only ever giving you dry food. I guess your change in behaviour should of alerted me to it. You hate leaving the kitchen, you have your spot and dare anyone take it. But then you didn't want to be in the kitchen and would go all over the house, going through all the rooms and all the nooks and cranny's. I figured, your trying to do something, I don't know what, but I'll try and convince the parents to let you wander if you want, even though they hated the fact your shedding ridiculous amounts of fur. I suppose the tufts that are continously falling out and have been for months should of told us something was wrong. I tried looking stuff up and apparently cats when they are going to die, look for somewhere quiet, so I figured that was what you were doing and if that's what you wanted, then you were going to have it.... But now you are too ill to even do that. I know I can't make you comfortable and healthy but I pray that they can fix you. You've been around too long to go and I love you too much to let you go.
You are such a beautiful cat Diana, and you show everyone affection, even Bruce although he contstantly teases you and tries to force you out of the house. For 13 years, you are still the size of a kitten, and if any cat dared hurt you, I would get very angry at them! Probably the reason why none of them sit on our shed anymore! It's your shed. I do remember you once found your way in there, and mother was surprised to see you sitting at the window as you couldn't get out. Silly thing! You always had a habit of going to random places every now and then. Sometimes I'd open my door, step out, and there you were curled up into a ball on the floor. You only ever seemed to leave the kitchen willingly once a month!...
Sunday, 1 November 2009
What is life?
Everyone asks themselves this question at some point, and I'm not about to write about my thoughts on what life is... I don't know...
When I was young, I heard all the fairytale stories about what we would do with our time on this planet. Grow up, get married, find your soulmate, settle down, and as the story goes... live happily ever after... But the plot is very differant in reality. But is that life?
I've recently been watching the Saw films. I find them really good, and I am most intrigued by the mind of John Cramer. He believes people need to be re-born to appreciate life.. He's asking them to appreciate the motions that they go through..but is that life? If it isn't, what is it? to him, if your only hearing then not really listening, then you aren't living, if your looking but not really seeing you aren't living. It's all just motions..but isn't that what life is physically? Going through motions? Because appreciation is an emotion, therefore life is merely an emotion.
People always seem to be reaching or striving for life, trying to get at it... as if to them, what they are experiencing now, isn't life. To me, trying to reach at something, is merely a dilusion if your reaching for life. If anything, it's trying to get reach an ideal, and idea about what would make them happy. If they have this, then this is life, and therefore it must result in happiness... So what if someone does reach what their ideal was? Do they have life then? If so, then life is merely about living out a fantasy. What if they aren't happy with their ideal once it's reached? By their own premise they are at life.. therefore they SHOULD be happy.. So do they live a lie? Claim they are happy, and realise that this isn't actually life? If so, what is life then? Confusing...
Some people spend their whole lives trying to get life..but again, what is life? We have answers coming from everywhere, yet nothing definite. Sometimes I think, is this it? Is my fight for survival merely life.. cos then, whats the point? Just going to die anyways...
Plus, if you had life..how would you know? Cos, when someone is like, oh you need to get a life, or I want a life..... they are really saying, they wish they had something to do.... i.e they are bored at the moment...so therefore, would life be, the absence of boredom.... But surely, to experience life in all it's richness, you would need to experience the full spectrum of emotions, including boredom..
But, what I find contradictory, is, EVERYTHING is merely a motion. Even if you have 'life', whatever you do in it, is merely a motion, and the result of a motion, is an emotion..which again lead me to conclude, life is merely an emotion... a particular emotion that you want to feel... All it seems, is that life, or rather the motions you want to go through, are merely ones you enjoy.. For example.. take a typical Londoner... they get up at crappy o'clock hour, and go off to work... sit at some desk, doing menial tasks bored out of their tiny little brains, and then go home and have fuck all to do..Some people would say that isn't a life.. Why? Cos the motions they go through aren't satisfying..
When I was young, I heard all the fairytale stories about what we would do with our time on this planet. Grow up, get married, find your soulmate, settle down, and as the story goes... live happily ever after... But the plot is very differant in reality. But is that life?
I've recently been watching the Saw films. I find them really good, and I am most intrigued by the mind of John Cramer. He believes people need to be re-born to appreciate life.. He's asking them to appreciate the motions that they go through..but is that life? If it isn't, what is it? to him, if your only hearing then not really listening, then you aren't living, if your looking but not really seeing you aren't living. It's all just motions..but isn't that what life is physically? Going through motions? Because appreciation is an emotion, therefore life is merely an emotion.
People always seem to be reaching or striving for life, trying to get at it... as if to them, what they are experiencing now, isn't life. To me, trying to reach at something, is merely a dilusion if your reaching for life. If anything, it's trying to get reach an ideal, and idea about what would make them happy. If they have this, then this is life, and therefore it must result in happiness... So what if someone does reach what their ideal was? Do they have life then? If so, then life is merely about living out a fantasy. What if they aren't happy with their ideal once it's reached? By their own premise they are at life.. therefore they SHOULD be happy.. So do they live a lie? Claim they are happy, and realise that this isn't actually life? If so, what is life then? Confusing...
Some people spend their whole lives trying to get life..but again, what is life? We have answers coming from everywhere, yet nothing definite. Sometimes I think, is this it? Is my fight for survival merely life.. cos then, whats the point? Just going to die anyways...
Plus, if you had life..how would you know? Cos, when someone is like, oh you need to get a life, or I want a life..... they are really saying, they wish they had something to do.... i.e they are bored at the moment...so therefore, would life be, the absence of boredom.... But surely, to experience life in all it's richness, you would need to experience the full spectrum of emotions, including boredom..
But, what I find contradictory, is, EVERYTHING is merely a motion. Even if you have 'life', whatever you do in it, is merely a motion, and the result of a motion, is an emotion..which again lead me to conclude, life is merely an emotion... a particular emotion that you want to feel... All it seems, is that life, or rather the motions you want to go through, are merely ones you enjoy.. For example.. take a typical Londoner... they get up at crappy o'clock hour, and go off to work... sit at some desk, doing menial tasks bored out of their tiny little brains, and then go home and have fuck all to do..Some people would say that isn't a life.. Why? Cos the motions they go through aren't satisfying..
Friday, 17 July 2009
We do things.
Humans, in the midst of an event never really listen to our emotions. It's only ever in the aftermath that we come to appreciate the signifiance of something, or the devastating impact something has caused.
During an event, it is more physical than emotional. We are more aware of what we are doing than how we are feeling. When we look back on something, we may feel differantly than to how we did during it. We don't listen to our emotions enough. It's only afterwards do we weigh up everything and our emotions react accordingly.
For example take a relationship, that ends. During the relationship, you may of held back, you may not of shown your appreciation of the other person enough. Whatever. It's only in the aftermath through all the bitterness do we come to realise maybe how much of a fool we had been. How much aware we are of the emotions we have/had for that person. Usually that's followed by regret, with ideas such as, if only I did/said this. If only...
It's important to be able to observe (but not necessarily feel- althought that's just as important), our emotions during an event, that way the outcome could end up being differant. That way, we can fully appreciate and absorb the experience. That way we are more connected with ourselves and that is important.
For me, mediation has been a powerful tool in being more aware. I can now observe myself better and understand things better. I can step back and just watch things as they pass, and not necessarily have to feel anything. I'm not promoting meditation as a tool for everyone, one person I know gets the same effect through knitting... (I know... weird!)
It's important for us to be in tune with our emotions fully. It is the only way we ever truely learn. By associating our emotions with an event we can conclude many things. For example, if you were scared and allowed yourself to fully absorb that emotion DURING the event rather than after it when the effect is less, then you are less likely to repeat that event, because the emotion would of been more substanstial, rather than some afterthought emotion.
Another thing I've come to learn is our our brains will block out at times the severity of an emotion in the aftermath of something. It's to protect us, but I've learnt that it's important to feel that burn. You need to feel that burn to fully protect yourself. For too long, I've blocked out emotions, but now I can see the damage they have done to me, and others. It's time to face our demons.
EDIT: I've been thinking a bit more about how our emotions affect things. When we look, we look with our eyes, but when we think, we think with our brains. Whatever the reality is, we attach emotions (sometimes, preset emotions) to things. It's the only real way we can process something. But what about when, we choose (maybe not conciously), the 'wrong' emotion to something. An emotion that will impact the way we see a future event. For example, take a person, they've done you wrong, and each time you see them, you seethe. But why? At that present moment in time, when you next see them, you seethe some more. But what is the reality? They've done nothing wrong, if anything, they could be doing something right, but you've chosen to cloud the reality with preset emotions. I realised what I'd been doing today. I can't believe how foolish I've been too. Me the science girl. I know better that previous experience is no basis for a future experience. I came to realise that I've been looking at things in the wrong light and maybe I'm the one in the wrong. I was in the wrong and I will be in the wrong. But now, I can alter the way that I think and see the reality more clearly, because I know what I've been doing wrong, so I can think now better. :-)
NIGHT NIGHT
During an event, it is more physical than emotional. We are more aware of what we are doing than how we are feeling. When we look back on something, we may feel differantly than to how we did during it. We don't listen to our emotions enough. It's only afterwards do we weigh up everything and our emotions react accordingly.
For example take a relationship, that ends. During the relationship, you may of held back, you may not of shown your appreciation of the other person enough. Whatever. It's only in the aftermath through all the bitterness do we come to realise maybe how much of a fool we had been. How much aware we are of the emotions we have/had for that person. Usually that's followed by regret, with ideas such as, if only I did/said this. If only...
It's important to be able to observe (but not necessarily feel- althought that's just as important), our emotions during an event, that way the outcome could end up being differant. That way, we can fully appreciate and absorb the experience. That way we are more connected with ourselves and that is important.
For me, mediation has been a powerful tool in being more aware. I can now observe myself better and understand things better. I can step back and just watch things as they pass, and not necessarily have to feel anything. I'm not promoting meditation as a tool for everyone, one person I know gets the same effect through knitting... (I know... weird!)
It's important for us to be in tune with our emotions fully. It is the only way we ever truely learn. By associating our emotions with an event we can conclude many things. For example, if you were scared and allowed yourself to fully absorb that emotion DURING the event rather than after it when the effect is less, then you are less likely to repeat that event, because the emotion would of been more substanstial, rather than some afterthought emotion.
Another thing I've come to learn is our our brains will block out at times the severity of an emotion in the aftermath of something. It's to protect us, but I've learnt that it's important to feel that burn. You need to feel that burn to fully protect yourself. For too long, I've blocked out emotions, but now I can see the damage they have done to me, and others. It's time to face our demons.
EDIT: I've been thinking a bit more about how our emotions affect things. When we look, we look with our eyes, but when we think, we think with our brains. Whatever the reality is, we attach emotions (sometimes, preset emotions) to things. It's the only real way we can process something. But what about when, we choose (maybe not conciously), the 'wrong' emotion to something. An emotion that will impact the way we see a future event. For example, take a person, they've done you wrong, and each time you see them, you seethe. But why? At that present moment in time, when you next see them, you seethe some more. But what is the reality? They've done nothing wrong, if anything, they could be doing something right, but you've chosen to cloud the reality with preset emotions. I realised what I'd been doing today. I can't believe how foolish I've been too. Me the science girl. I know better that previous experience is no basis for a future experience. I came to realise that I've been looking at things in the wrong light and maybe I'm the one in the wrong. I was in the wrong and I will be in the wrong. But now, I can alter the way that I think and see the reality more clearly, because I know what I've been doing wrong, so I can think now better. :-)
NIGHT NIGHT
Monday, 13 July 2009
Blame Culture
We live in an age, where anything bad that happens is always someone else's fault, and generally where there is a blame, there is a claim. The Tv is awash with adverts for claims companies. Can't an accident ever just be an accident? That humans can't be perfect everytime.
Take for instance some kid who got really drunk and fell off a cliff. The parents are blaming everyone but their son. Their son, chose to go out. Their son, chose to get drunk. Their son, chose to go to those cliffs.
What about that kid who got sucked down a pipe in some pool in Thailand. The kid was a moron. He opened a grill over the vent to try and retrieve his google. Common sense would tell you that was dangerous. Yet, he still does it, and guess what, another death. Oh my heart bleeds for these idiots.
Yeah it sucks that someone dies, and of course it's heartbreaking for those who knew the kids, but comeon... These kids died through their own hands, and to try and lay the blame on someone else is just wrong. When there is blame, there is a claim, and guess what? A lot of compensation.
It's pathetic. Can't we ever be allowed to be responsible for our own mistakes?
Take for instance some kid who got really drunk and fell off a cliff. The parents are blaming everyone but their son. Their son, chose to go out. Their son, chose to get drunk. Their son, chose to go to those cliffs.
What about that kid who got sucked down a pipe in some pool in Thailand. The kid was a moron. He opened a grill over the vent to try and retrieve his google. Common sense would tell you that was dangerous. Yet, he still does it, and guess what, another death. Oh my heart bleeds for these idiots.
Yeah it sucks that someone dies, and of course it's heartbreaking for those who knew the kids, but comeon... These kids died through their own hands, and to try and lay the blame on someone else is just wrong. When there is blame, there is a claim, and guess what? A lot of compensation.
It's pathetic. Can't we ever be allowed to be responsible for our own mistakes?
Wednesday, 10 June 2009
The Anglo Week- All 4 of the award winning editions
Issue 1
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Issue 2b
Issue 3b
Issue 4b
Issue 2b
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Issue 3b
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Issue 4b
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Saturday, 7 March 2009
Sore Throats
I can easily say that my sore throat has got worse dammit. I went out last night with Luke, and Matt and drank quite a bit.. urg!.. I'm going to be 19 on the 20th..oh hello.. I get them so easily though. I can run for a bit, and get one, anything can go down on my lungs, it's annoying.
Anyways, now is the most ideal time to write what I was going to write, no distractions and all.
Right, well I'm over him, in the sense that I'm over him..(actually I don't know what that means, but I feel it, which is good enough!). However, what I'm not over, and what I think was the crux of me going off on one, is purely the fact that I miss him as a friend. I miss him dearly as that, and that is all.
I can do the whole casual sex thing, I prefer it. I'd no desire really to be with him, I just liked him, that is all. Though the feelings ran very very deep, and I guess as much as I could handle it, it would have been easier if I didn't have those feelings. But I did, and being in denial about it, really didn't help.
I know I was very mean/horrible to him, and I know that I can't take it back, all I can do, is feel sorry about it. I do feel sorry about it. I guess, I reacted that way cos I was hurt, and I guess lashing out is the easiest thing to do. I was upset that I was losing him as a friend, and I didn't help the situation. I guess that although I could see what I was doing was destructive, my emotions got the better of me.
I spoke to him recently on the phone, and it was awkward for me, and him I could sense. But I'm in a good place now, and I can see everything clearly. I think one of my friend's was right, you gotta wait for the mental seasons to change. But I'd like to know him as a friend, cos he is a kool person... BOOYAH!.. got it in one!
Anyways, now is the most ideal time to write what I was going to write, no distractions and all.
Right, well I'm over him, in the sense that I'm over him..(actually I don't know what that means, but I feel it, which is good enough!). However, what I'm not over, and what I think was the crux of me going off on one, is purely the fact that I miss him as a friend. I miss him dearly as that, and that is all.
I can do the whole casual sex thing, I prefer it. I'd no desire really to be with him, I just liked him, that is all. Though the feelings ran very very deep, and I guess as much as I could handle it, it would have been easier if I didn't have those feelings. But I did, and being in denial about it, really didn't help.
I know I was very mean/horrible to him, and I know that I can't take it back, all I can do, is feel sorry about it. I do feel sorry about it. I guess, I reacted that way cos I was hurt, and I guess lashing out is the easiest thing to do. I was upset that I was losing him as a friend, and I didn't help the situation. I guess that although I could see what I was doing was destructive, my emotions got the better of me.
I spoke to him recently on the phone, and it was awkward for me, and him I could sense. But I'm in a good place now, and I can see everything clearly. I think one of my friend's was right, you gotta wait for the mental seasons to change. But I'd like to know him as a friend, cos he is a kool person... BOOYAH!.. got it in one!
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