Sometimes I want to scream. Many seem to think that I lead some great life and that I am always happy. I agree with the former. I don't know what is happiness or what it is made of, but I know that the many paths I have gone down within myself looking for that happiness has led to many dead ends.

I find myself constantly questioning myself. Never my decisions but my place in the world, and where I stand (or rather sit) in it. I look out at this vast world and feel trapped in an endless cycle of whatever. I've been thinking about whether or not a blog is the best place to share my thoughts.

I've never really been one to talk openly about stuff. There was someone once who I use to tell a lot of my thoughts too, he's gone now, and he actually use to think that I didn't share that much. For me though, I thought I shared more than I usually do. I don't want this blog to be that outlet. I realise that I am not good at being open with others, and it's soo much easier to just share a bunch of crap with someone you don't have to look in the eye the next day and try not to feel awkward. This blog isn't my best friend, nor is it even my friend or a platform for me to get attention. Sometimes I wonder what I should put on here, and then I realise it's not about what I should or shouldn't do, it's about what is right.

I'm very good at burying my head in the sand and pretend that everything is fine, and then it just builds up until that one little spark sets it all off. Sometimes the best way to grieve is by remembering in the times you need to most.

Half the time or rather most of the time I don't even know what I'm thinking. I don't want to. I just try to experience and let fluidity take me.

And then I feel guilty. Like a gilded butterfly. Why should I think that things should be better, when in comparision to most of the world I have it all.

y'know it's kinda funny just how music can change an entire feeling. I love that. Right now, I feel soo calm, serene and at peace with myself. Giggling slightly at watching these workmen repeatedly trying to get this pidgeon to disappear.. they keep tapping the roof with a broom to get it to go away but it keeps coming back.

A lot of people wonder why I never discuss things with them. It's not that I am trying to hide stuff, and it's more than just not wanting to feel awkward the next day. A lot of the time I want to keep these things to myself, to sort them out myself. I feel that if I had any help or advice, I wouldn't of reached a reached a conclusion based entirely on my own efforts and experiences. Plus, telling people you're a fucked up mess aint kool either.

To be fair, everyone has problems. Some are just better at hiding them than others. Some are willing to face up to them, and others would rather bury their head in the sand. I like burying my head in the sand, it's more likely to keep it warm :-)

I've never been good at making decisions. I hate making decisions, cos half the time I make the wrong one, so I figured if I stop making decisions, and let the forces of nature decide what path I have to go down (i.e I've deliberately left it so late that only one option is left), then I find I can be easier on myself if I fuck up, as I didn't actively persue my course of action... ok granted that's contradictory but I can pretend to myself that the decision was out of my hands. I get left confused most of the time thinking about stuff... I imagine that I would have an enormous amount of inertia :-)

No one said being a human was easy huh?