Death comes just 4 times a year

So I am currently dying. My head is achy, my nose is well and truely blocked, I'm not sleeping and life is generally a chore. Yes I am have Man Flu. This I am certain, it's definately not just normal flu, no it's Man Flu, and it's striked me down in the prime of life.

Two nights of no sleep now, and I can feel myself going blind. Yesturday I in all honesty walked into a wall in my delerious state, as my body felt like it wasn't there. So yes it's Man Flu.

Not quite sure what to do, I bundled over to the Boots at Liverpool Street Station, and was rather overwhelmed at the shelf after shelf of cold medicine products. After comparing the ingredients of Sudafed with Boots own brand, I naturally decided to save myself a couple of quid. Along with that I got these little vitamin C tablets... no harm with having a boost every now and then......

After reading the instructions on the back of the vitamin C bottle, it clearly stated "Take one tablet in a glass of water, once a day". Being that I was currently on the Waterloo and City line, I didn't much have a glass to hand. Did contemplate dropping it into my hiker's flask, but decided drinking a litre of orangey substance wasn't great. Then my mind decided, I'll outwit you all and swallow the damn thing. Then I decided to open the packet.. and realised why it said place into a glass of water... It was huge, about the size of a two pence piece and about half a centimetre thick. Huzzah I thought, I'll be even more cunning, I'll just pop the thing in my mouth. Worst decision ever.

Within a nanosecond, this radioactive substance started disintergrating in my mouth.... and turning into foam. And it didn't taste that great either given it was very concentrated. So my mouth was filling with a bright orange foam substance, and there I was on the tube thinking what the fuck am I meant to do. So I started swallowing it, but it just kept coming and coming and coming, I couldn't swallow fast enough. Pausing for literally a few seconds contemplating how I was to get myself out of this rather delicate situation, my mouth was bursting with foam. I looked like a squirrel that had stuffed it's cheeks with nuts. The only course of action was to keep swallowing until the damn thing had completely gone, but it was taking it's sweet time about it, and I was just feeling more and more sick. It certainly took my mind of the whole dying thing for a moment or two.

Finally I arrived at Waterloo and had finished swallowing. I realised I must of looked like I was having a heart attack on the tube, due to the element of surprise this little supplement gave me. Trying to clear out my mouth wasn't fun either.


So I trundled on through the day, wondering just when the grim reaper was about to knock in between the constant sniffing. It wasn't glamourous. I realised the day was going to end pretty quickly, and when I got home from uni, climbed into bed and refused to move, until I realised a dress I had bought in a small size was actually way too big (ahh the joys of internet shopping), and rushed down to John Lewis to get thread. Now, I like to think I know words, I know many many words. But it appeared that I didn't know the word thread or rather happened to have a mindblock at the wrong time. I blame my impending death. I was like to the extremely helpful sales assistant "My dress is too big, I need to make it smaller, I was thinking I could use that string stuff to y'know make it smaller. That stuff made of cotton, that you use to put stuff together." I was trying to describe I needed in a rather bad way, and given that I was dressed like a chav she clearly understood that I had dropped out of school at 11 and that the world had failed me. She immediately knew what I was on about, and took my over to the thread section. Yes THREAD, that's the word! Clearly she sees people like me all the time. She gave me loads of helpful advice and I went on my sweet way.

Feeling such a moron, I climbed back into bed and hoped a night of blissful sleep would come over me. It never came once. Now as I write this, I really wish death would hurry up, because two nights of no sleep isn't fun, coupled with a blocked nose and dizziness.... I have to ask myself.... wish fucker wished me to be ill!

EDIT: Ok so I wrote this article yesturday, and afterwards went on to have that vitamin C supplement. Dropped it into a glass of hot water, damn thing fizzed up everywhere and foamy crap went all over my desk. So today I thought, nah not going to let you beat me this time, and only filled the glass half full with hot water.....damn thing still managed to fizz up everywhere all over my window sill.... I feel my mugs are turning more into cauldrons than anything else....