Sore Throats

I can easily say that my sore throat has got worse dammit. I went out last night with Luke, and Matt and drank quite a bit.. urg!.. I'm going to be 19 on the 20th..oh hello.. I get them so easily though. I can run for a bit, and get one, anything can go down on my lungs, it's annoying.

Anyways, now is the most ideal time to write what I was going to write, no distractions and all.

Right, well I'm over him, in the sense that I'm over him..(actually I don't know what that means, but I feel it, which is good enough!). However, what I'm not over, and what I think was the crux of me going off on one, is purely the fact that I miss him as a friend. I miss him dearly as that, and that is all.

I can do the whole casual sex thing, I prefer it. I'd no desire really to be with him, I just liked him, that is all. Though the feelings ran very very deep, and I guess as much as I could handle it, it would have been easier if I didn't have those feelings. But I did, and being in denial about it, really didn't help.

I know I was very mean/horrible to him, and I know that I can't take it back, all I can do, is feel sorry about it. I do feel sorry about it. I guess, I reacted that way cos I was hurt, and I guess lashing out is the easiest thing to do. I was upset that I was losing him as a friend, and I didn't help the situation. I guess that although I could see what I was doing was destructive, my emotions got the better of me.

I spoke to him recently on the phone, and it was awkward for me, and him I could sense. But I'm in a good place now, and I can see everything clearly. I think one of my friend's was right, you gotta wait for the mental seasons to change. But I'd like to know him as a friend, cos he is a kool person... BOOYAH!.. got it in one!

The eyes of J.T. Eckleburg.

"This is a valley of ashes- a fantastic farm where ashes grow like wheat into ridges and hills and grotesque gardens; where ahses take the forms of houses and chimneys and rising smoke and, finally, with a transcendant effort, of ash-grey men, who move dimly and already crumbling through the powdery air. Occasionally a line of grey cars crawls along an invisible track, gives out a ghastly creak, and comes to rest, and immediatly the ash-grey men swarm up with leaden spades and stir up an impenetrable cloud, which screens their obscure operations from your sight.
But above the grey land and the spasms of bleak dust which drift endlessly over it, you perceive, after a moment, the eyes of Docter T.J.Eckleburg. The eyes of Doctor T.J Eckleburg are blue and gigantic- their retinas are one yard high. They look out of no face, but, instead, form a pair of enormous yellow spectacles which pass over a non-existant nose. Evidently some wild wag of an oculist set them there to fatten his practise in the borough of Queens, and then sank down himself into eternal blindness, or forgot them and moved away. But his eyes, dimmed a little by many pointless days, under the sun and rain, brood on over the solemn dumping ground."

How much does this echo our lives? How much greyness and bleakness sourrounds our lives because we lack morals? We live to party, and party to live. We take drugs, we get drunk, we are the social decay. I am no differant. Our lives are dominated by the need to satisfy our physical urges. I am no differant. We are judged not by ourselves, but by God. You are no differant. We live out our lives under certain ways, yet they turn greyer as each day passes, and the eyes dim even futher. Through sadness? Sadness at our waste? We are grotesque. I am no differant. We build our foundations on nothing solid, and they will crumble before our eyes. Our lack of meaning and direction, causes us to succumb even further to demoralistion. I am no differant.

Climbing out of a window rather than using the front door this morning was reather tedious..

The art of silence

The Art of Silence is a damn good play. Arg, I can't seem to find a copy of it anywhere. Damn you Amazon!. You have actually failed me! *shakes fist in anger*


I like silence. It's such a beautiful sound. The sound of nothing. A time to be alone with ones thoughts, to absorb all that is around them. I spent part of today in a car with a bunch of people. One of the guys, was soo uncomfortable with the idea of no one talking, that everytime there was silence for more than a few seconds, they would start talking about incescent crap. Anything, and everything. I found it intriguing, how after knowing some of us for many many years, they still felt so uncomfortable to be around us in silence. For them, the silence was hell. A sign that all was not well. To them, silence wasn't natural. There is no right or wrong answer, but from a personal point of view, I love silence. I am just as happy to have noise, but at the same time, silence is just as golden. I didn't feel a need to say anything. Just was contented with the music on the radio. But clearly, this guy just felt so uncomfortable. In the end, I got fed up with them talking crap I just told him to shut up. They did thank god.

I got thinking briefly about this. Why are a group of friends, sometimes so scared to sit in each other's company with nothing passing between them? I have my theories, but whatever.

Also, why are De-icer's water based? Actually I do know why. But they are complete crap. I found my brother getting annoyed when the de-icer was taking forever. So, I just went to the kitchen cupboard, took out this jar of salt, and chucked it all over the car. Worked a treat. The snow/ice, just slid right off.

Sacred?

Well this will probably have no real coherence to it. It will essentially just be one long ramble about shizzle on my mind.

A couple of weeks ago, sitting in Burger King with Jessica at Canary Wharf we were discussing relationships in general. Generally one hell of a girly discussion. It struck me, about the sacredness of relationships, or rather the lack of.

Around me, people I see, seem to treat them as nothing. Like people go from girl to girl, boy to boy, with little regard for the impact of the previous person in their life. Now ok, I get why, but at the same time, they treat it as if it was nothing. The ability to flit from relationship to relationship, sort of says something about your attitude towards relationships. Like it doesn't matter really who it is, as long as you have someone. Treating their girlfriend/boyfriend as little more than a glorified friend. Where is the DEEP spiritual, emotional, and mental connection? Nowadays its all about sex and just a bit of conversation. But a relationship is soo much more. Y'know, there is no sacredness in the relationship between a man and a woman.

Like the next person they date. The way they treat them, speak to them etc, the reasons they like them are just the same as the previous person, its just a differant name. I mean I am not saying that there is anything wrong with that, and maybe I am completly missing something, I don't give a fuck, but I dunno, just seems a bit too generic, and relationships shouldn't be treated as a generic thing. They are soo much more.

Well rant over.

'There is only one reality, neither to be realised or attained. To say "I am able to realise something" or say "I am able to attain something" is to place yourself among the arrogant'

Happiness

heya, I want to give a short introduction to this one. This is the third in a series of my thoughts on happiness. The other two I hand wrote, and may copy them up to here, just to see how different my thoughts have changed within a matter of weeks, but that depends on how lazy I am. This one, is the most recent one

Happiness

It just occurred to me that maybe my approach in previous discussions about happiness is flawed. Not necessarily wrong (there is no defining wrong or right, its all subjective remember!, so hack my opinions to pieces if you want), but could be improved upon.

For a long time, I guess I always assumed, we should do things that we think would make us happy, a particular job, friends, money etc. However, there is a flaw to this. We do things which we THINK will make us happy. We therefore, don’t know whether they will or not until we have actually done them. What if they don’t? We are usually then just stuck in a cycle, thats hard to break from, for several reasons. Currently I have zero idea what makes me happy, but I know what doesn’t make me happy and so I’ve decided to try and do my best to avoid doing stuff which makes me unhappy, but this is difficult.

Pretty much, everytime I leave a bar, I am unhappy, I have to lie in bed for a couple of days, feeling like complete and utter crap, my self-esteem has hit rock bottom, I am snappy, irritated, generally someone to avoid. Why? Because I hate the way its a bloody meat market, you are just looked at as someone to fuck, not as a person, not someone they want to get to know, just as a bit of meat screw and never contact again. How depressing is that? Anyways, that causes me to be so down, but I still go to bars, knowing damn well what the outcome is going to be. So why do I still do it, if I know it won’t make me smile? Its called a comfort zone, you don’t necessarily have to like where you are, but you know how it will end, and its the whole risk, the fear of the unknown that keeps one trapped inside it. Therefore, I either need to adapt, or stop it. Again which is the easier?

However, thankfully, there are some things, I know will make me unhappy before doing them. Sex for example. I know that if I was to sleep around, have several guys on the go at once, I would not be happy. I would lose all self-respect, feel like crap, lose my dignity, and self-worth. I know I would feel hollow and unsatisfied and therefore would never do it. I however do have needs, and therefore, will sleep with the same guy continuously, but it would just be one guy. That would make me happy. I know though, that I can’t trust myself to even try sleeping with several guys, one night stands etc to just say I’ve been there, done that, got the cum filled t-shirt either. I know that once I have started something, I wouldn’t be able to stop. Again, I would be stuck in a cycle that I wouldn’t know how to break, again because the fear of the unknown, the risk, the change, etc. It would be too much, and therefore, would stick at something that makes me unhappy. And if your not happy, what is life worth?

I am the worst person to get advice from; I am no model when it comes to life, and so I am not going to start saying change your ways. That’s dumb, what works for me, won’t necessarily work for someone else. I guess my conclusion to this post, for me avoiding what I know makes me unhappy, leaves me contented. Not necessarily happy, but not unhappy either, which is better than being unhappy right!

First entry

Heya.

About a year ago, a friend's mother suggested that it would be a good idea if I set up a blog or something to just rant and rave in, so I could look back at where I was mentally. So I gave in today it seems. I have decided to publish something I wrote a while back and saved as a document but never gave much thought to it afterwards.

I guess my following entries will be about whatever, I will try and give some focus to them, as I have a habit of starting one thing and quickly changing it to something else. Also don't take my opinions as rock solid. As many of you know my opinions change a lot, and there is nothing wrong with that!